is this really how I look?
get over the lack of makeup, additional face fat, and oh my, the hair
I slept 17 hours (again), woke up to a fat bowl, 3 actually (one of weed, the other of masare/beans, and the last of lucky charms) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyes
and then facebook finally, followed by a shower. OH I DIDN’T MENTION THE DUBSTEP <3
http://8tracks.com/squal/wub-wub-dublicious
and THEM BANGERS. off to masterbate
Sometimes this is how I feel. Sometimes the explosion is loud and other people here. Sometimes, it is quiet and I am the sole spectator. I prefer the latter, the silent struggle. I am nobody. My thoughts are unimportant. My doodles are irrelevant to the notes I frantically scribble down. Parkinson’s meets carpal tunnel syndrome. Irony at its finest.
My life is ironic. Just, everything. I look around and I feel like the world is out to get me. Those who think they are closest to me find me more a product of convenience than anything. We share the same interests and we don’t particularly like being alone. Really, it’s mutual tolerance. Who are we but symbiotic users.
At least we’re not liars. If truth cannot exist as a universal Truth, we should not impose our belief systems onto others. We can only try to convince them that we are right, or they wrong. Maybe neither of us compromise, in which case we have failed to effectively communicate. In the best case, each of us understand each other by listening. Lovingly, caring.
We all hate each another. We’re all in love with each other. I love Jesse who loves Stella who loves Dom who loves Brooke who loves me, maybe as a fake friend or a real one. But what are real friends besides persistent acquaintances, who’s presence you willingly accept. Who are you to them but another location to loiter in? You are no one, you are nothing, especially not to anyone else.
I love rikki who loves mark who knows mike who loves Dana. Dani loves Ethan who loves me who loves Will who loves Ashley who loves Jesse who loves dani. Dani oh loves Rikki who loves Yates who loves Josh who loves his girlfriend. Yates wishes she had a girlfriend, so does Yuri. I love Yuri like I loved his brother, like I love being loved like I loved Chris. I loved him like his roommate loved me, quick and easy but painful in the end. The consequences of our desire is too much to endure.
(Source: ozneo, via chronicmeds)
bag me up
and tie me down
WHEN MY FRIEND TRIES TO GIVE ME WATER
let’s all jump on the tumblr bandwagon
I’M JUST LIKE:
And on this day…
I have nothing to lose but time and possessions. I have myself and the future ahead of me. I have long-term goals and projected success.
I will not limit my sense of self worth or allow it to be defined by others
iPads are quite fun to type on. I kind of want one…
Dominic just happened again. I should have known better. He was datingr someone for 10 months and he hooked up with me. He led me on. He influenced me to believe that he cared about me. I still want to talk to him because I’m not emotionally attached to him so I think a friendship of sorts might work out.
But I want my friends to be reliable and trustworthy, and he is not. That’s just a waste of time, then.
I don’t need him in my life just like I don’t need anyone to make me happy. He was just a fun waste of time - while that lasted.
I loved him, just like I love all the men who enter my heart. Willingly and openly. I wished the best for him, for our happiness. But, he failed to uphold my ideals and obviously doesn’t care about me. His concerns rests solely with himself. Selfishness embodied in false masculinity with a seductive twist.
Good thing I’m over him and can move on with my life. I can only pity him now, the lowest form of love. I sympathize with his struggles and hope to see him get out of them eventually.
Life is tough, love is tougher. It’s difficult to love yourself, but it’s harder to love someone that doesn’t want to love you simply because they can’t. I should have known that from the start. He is incapable of love.
Some people just are, but I am most certainly not. Someone please love me, so I can get over this inner hate.
Hating yourself is hardest. Only you can get over it.
I forgot how much I love tumblr and the world
(via lonelystoner420)
like pulling teeth..
UHM, amazing. All my favorite songs.
weed and bongs like cheech and chong
—
M.I.A.
dude, my morning. They say coughing gets you higher
No, but actually…
this isn’t working anymore. Maybe this is just a rough spot, but you and I are increasingly incompatible.
I just want to work it out and it seems like all you are trying to do is push me away. I really did not want to do that, because I know it might end up being weird… so we’re just going to mutually enjoy each other for as long as we can.
When can it get better?
Dames; woke up Toni this morning by playing it. Wondrous :)
What I do in the mirror everyday, hoping to see that
(Source: nutrisupsworldwide, via hope-love-glory)
if you loved me, this is all you would want to do
(Source: rand0mgifs, via tomorrowneverc0mes)
I know why I hate being alone.
It’s the meds. I promise, it’s the meds. Nothing else would make me feel this way. I’ve been crying every day that I got off them. I’m confused, but maybe that’s due to all the other drugs.
No one knows me. No one bothers to care about me. Maybe it’s because I don’t bother to care about them. So, I’ve started asking, and explaining how important it is for me to know about them. Maybe one day they’ll realize the importance of sharing one’s life experiences. As for myself, I’ve surrounded myself with people to avoid all these terrible thoughts going through my head, but they’re all still there.
You can kick people out of your life as easily as they kick you out, is something else I’ve realized these days. Chris kicked me out. Stephen occupied himself. Wade never replied to my texts. Michael went to rehab. And that’s only here….
We can look at the rest of the men that have left me suddenly: Jorg and Dominic. But Dominic was a fluke, and Joerg was an asshole. What makes these people think they can leave me so easily? Oh, that’s right, it’s because they “meet” me so easily. They get to “know” me in the Biblical physical sense. Wonderful.
____________________________________________________________________
So, I let go of Robert. He’s a distraction, but along the way I’ve picked up Ira and some other distractions. My days have been nights. Contemplative, lonely. I wonder if I will ever find someone both attractive and genuinely interested in loving me.
Maybe that’s a little too much, but so was the Salvia the other night (Thursday and Monday). So were the ‘Shrooms on Sunday, and the drinking* on Saturday. And we’ve been smoking ever since, me failing to get to where I want to - the perpetual groove of my life.
I got another chair in my room. It’s an unfathomably uncomfortable wooden desk chair. How durable and efficient, representing the sex I have been having. But not my relationships with others. Efficiency isn’t a word you would necessarily use to describe these things, but really I want the most bang for my buck. That is, I would like that every moment I spend be spent in the best way possible. Let us maximize our friendship.
Is that not preferable? Truly, it shouldn’t be demanding, rather an appropriate suggestion to hurry things up a little and get to know each other ASAP.
Why not? IDK, but unless you tell me why you’re holding out
- I’m out.
